Life imitates Onion

Gillette unveils 5-bladed razor
September 14, 2005: 3:35 PM EDT
NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Gillette has escalated the razor wars yet again, unveiling a new line of razors on Wednesday with five blades and a lubricating strip on both the front and back.
The razor, known as the Fusion, has blades spaced 30 percent closer than Gillette's current MACH3Turbo system. It also has a single blade on the back of the cartridge for shaving sideburns or trimming under the nose. The move renews an ongoing blade battle with Schick, the shaving unit of Energerizer (Research), which launched a four-blade razor, the Quattro, last year. The move ate into Gillette sales and sparked a legal battle between the two companies.
Schick is adding a battery-powered Quattro to its lineup this month, while Gillette's Fusion -- in both manual and battery-powered models -- won't hit North American stores until early next year. "The Schick launch has nothing to do with this, it's like comparing a Ferrari to a Volkswagen as far as we're concerned," Chairman, President and Chief Executive James Kilts, told Reuters.

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
February 18, 2004
Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened - the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.