I’VE HAD IT! -by BOB ODENKIRK

(Bob Odenkirk began his career as half of the quibbling editorial team of “Stossel and Odenkirk”at the Andy Rooney Institute For Disembodied Crabbery.)

I’ve had it with Death! What’s the deal? Does everything I love have to die? Including me? Puh-lease!! A few weeks ago I was talking to a good friend at one of these chain restaurants that has suddenly decided to serve “healthy” food. We were having a genial conversation about many things; the ingredients of canned tuna, the extensive legal documents you sign when you rent a carpet cleaner, the lines at the airport and movie theatre. Two months later I got a call from this same friend’s wife. He had died! Kaput! No more! What gives?!I wouldn’t mind if my friend’s wife had called to tell me he was on vacation. He certainly deserved one (although he would have had to put up with those tiny pillows on airplanes!). After all, if he was on vacation he would eventually return, right? Then we could have talked, and continued our relationship. But he died! So now, no more talking, no more phone calls, no more nothing! My friend’s wife started yammering about how he died. Some swiftly moving disease. She started telling me the ins and outs, the ups and downs, and finally the big down--into the ground (although he was cremated and his ashes tossed from a boat…why does the ocean have to be so big?!?!). This long tale wasted more of my life-time, bringing me nearer to my own expiration date.It’s not that I want to live forever. It’s just that I don’t want other people living after I am dead! It diminishes the value of my life! It mocks and trivializes everything I care about for other people to carry on without me!I think people should all be allowed to live to 100. That’s a nice round number. It’s more than 80, but less than 120. Who wants to live to be 120, anyways? It’s too long! In fact, the number 120 is a bit too big anyways. Would you like to eat 120 marshmallows? I bet even the person who loves marshmallows most would agree that 120 marshmallows is too many marshmallows. I think 10 is about the top number for enjoying marshmallows in one sitting.We should all live to be 100 then the world should end. Then, it’s not like you died, it’s like you lived forever! Because if the world ends, then there’s no more people left living and mocking you by their non-absence! But of course, that’s impossible to arrange because we all weren’t born on the same day! And whose fault is that? Our mothers!I’m fed up! Who’s with me?!

*The “I’ve Had It!” column has previously been published under the following titles: “I’m fed up!”, “Who’s with me?!”, “What gives?!”, “Puh-lease!”, “What’s the deal?!”, “Shit!”, and “Would you like to eat 120 marshmallows?!”